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"The worst thing you can try to do is cling to something that is gone, or to recreate it." - Johnette Napolitano

Hi,

大闸蟹生日宴

我楼下的邻居阿铁是个职场大侠，同时也是个很有生活情趣的女人，从烧菜到种花样样精通，还是个写抒情诗的高手，深秋的周末，刚从土耳其出差回来的阿铁拨通我的手机，邀请我和敦敦到她家里品尝大闸蟹，也真凑巧，临近我的生日，我顺便买了个蛋糕和五只冰糖葫芦带着敦敦欣然前往，敦敦说，老妈，你的生日会，为啥在别人家开？我告诉敦敦，你阿铁姨提前给我庆生日，何乐而不为，大闸蟹生日宴，很难得。

蒸好的大闸蟹上桌了，果然蟹肉神'鲜'，席间突感诗意上头，不妨描述一下今晚的写意生活：

秋气爽，桂花香，老少朋友聚一堂；

大闸蟹，小河虾，几杯好酒下肚肠。

玉米棒，热鸡汤，吃得浑身暖洋洋；

笑声朗，炉火旺，不觉忘记秋风凉。

I am starting a new chapter in my life and I have a feeling that jounaling will help with the process. I am a drug addict, and have been for many many years. My drug use has caused me to lose everything once when I was sent to prison for five years. When I got out, I decided that I would never use again because I had been given a second chance. Well, that lasted about 3 days and I was sucked right back in to this terrible addiction. It starts out small and I think that I can handle it, then it rages out of control. I am married to a wonderful man who is so supportive of me, but he can only take so much. I have decided to go cold turkey in my house for a week. I need to detox, to get my system free of drugs before my mind gets a chance to free itself. I am hoping that this journaling will help me to get my thoughts down and out of me. We'll see, This is day one.

Ok, well not really much to say. I ment to post a long time ago but I think I did something wrong that made it not post. Anyways, umm, let's see. Since the last post which was way too long ago, I don't even know what to write about. I guess I'll just talk about things from the past week. Umm, well nothing has really been happening. I'm thinking about applying at the plasma center and if I get that job I think I might leave Krogers. I really like the people there and what not but it's just not what I want to do right now. I don't want a job that's like so much physical work, I'm gay and I like light stuff, lol. I know not all gays are like that but shit, I am. I'm the typical gay dude who doesn't like to work hard phsycially but doesn't mind a challenge for the mind. That being said, I'm not 100% sure how hard it would be work at the plasma but the pay is like $2 more so that's a lot better already. Sucky thing though is that I can't donate at that center anymore if I do get hired. I'm just gonna apply later today and whatever happens happens. If I get the job then I'll probably be quiting Kroger's sometime after. I've been getting a lot more hours at Krogers too. I got 40 hours last week (first time ever getting 40 hours) and then I got 38 the week before so yeah, pretty nice checks. Well not that nice, only about $178 for the 38 hour week and I'm expecting like $180something for the one next week. And this week I'm only getting 24 hours...that's not much at all but oh well, I think it will give me a lot of time to relax and get the plasma application done with and give me time to talk to the dude who works at the plasma center. Yeah, and work was pretty nice working in the morning. I spent a lot of time with that Josue dude...the one who I think is like super hot. He's like, ugh, I like him a lot. I still think I like Tony more even though Tony isn't as hot as Josue but for some really odd reason I like those thugish guys...Josue for the most part isn't so thugish. I have no idea what I like those type of dudes, it's really weird. I guess opposites attract or something, I don't know. I couldn't be thugish to save my life, lol. But yeah, I really wish that Josue was a little gay or something, lol. At least bi! Well he has a little girl but he seems like he flirts or something but I'm probably just like making it out to be more than what it is. The other day, when I got there and I was working for a minute he saw me and was like, "What, I don't get a hug?" I just went up to him and like patted him on his back and like stood side by side next to him and he was like, "Man move, I don't want a hug." and he started laughing. And like yeah, he's just so freaking cute. I would give it up to him quick I'm sure which isn't a very good thing to do...damn, I'm a slut sometimes! ANYWAYS, here lately I've been like yearning for...well I don't know if it's only sex, but I just want to you know, lol. Dang, I hate sounding like a complete whore because I'm really not but the last time I've ever done anything with another guy was like four years ago......now that's a long ass time. I've thought about just going online and having someone come meet me real quick and just go somewhere to make out or something but no, I would be WAY too scared to do some shit like that and plus since I'm not out...that isn't going to work. Oh, and here's something interesting, see, this happened a long time ago but since it's been forever since I last wrote in this thing I just forgot. Anyways, when I was working one day some black dude like came up to me and like just started talking to me. I was like, umm, ok. I talked to him of course because he's a "customer" so of course I do small talk. And he's like talking a lot and some old man saves me by starting to talk to him and I make a get-away. I go and when I come back out he's not there thank god because yeah, 1) He wasn't cute!

*~*~*Interupted by sister*~*~*
*~*~*Continued*~*~*

2) He said he was like 25 but his hair was balding...yeah, not cute at all. 3) He was more femine than me...if I wanted a chick I think I would stick to girls and 4) He had a little bo which was not cool.....anyways, I go grab something to eat and when I'm headed back towards the back he stops me and starts talking and talking. I was just like, mmhmm. He talked about how he was stress because some other workers had said some homophobic slurs and yada yada. And then I was just thinking, oh, he probably knows. And he continues talking about how people ignore him and this and that and then says something about if any of that has happened to me and I tell him, what, ignore me. I don't think so. And anyways, he asked if I go to Dallas clubs or something and I bring up Oakland, never been there but Iknew that's what he was talking aboutbecause my cousin goes over there and he just smiles and is like, so you do go over there and I just tell him no and say I heard about it. Anyways, yeah, he then is like, so what do you do for fun, yada yada, and I'm just like, umm, spend time alone...I'm content by myself (even though not compelty true I just wanted to get away from him!) And he's like, well do you like cofee and I'm just like, umm, no! Anyways...ok, well earlier, I had to stop writing and it's like five hours later and after aplying and what not I recieved a phone call from the manager at the plasma center calling to see if I could come in for an interview on Wednesday at 11AM. How neat is that??? I applied and like 4 hours later I get a call...AWESOME!!! Anyways, that's all I'm gonna write right now...and yes, this is a lot but I had a lot to say. From now on I'm gonna write everything in a notepad and then copy/paste online...at least I don't get a warning to hurry up and post or my work will be lost!!!

-M.

你拥有百分之五十爱的股份

有空，我抓起画笔画了几张油画，如果说，从思考到写作是内省的一个层次上的进步，从写作到绘画可以说是在灵魂折射方面的一个质的飞跃。迄今为止，我画了四幅油画，第一个画的是'敦敦乐山观鱼'的背影，朋友看后说，这幅画只有当妈的才画得出来，敦敦裹在灰色的小T衫下面的嫩肉都表现出来了，接下来我画了敦敦小时候在新加坡出浴后倚在蓝格子沙发上看书的样子，新加坡很热，出浴的敦敦裸着上身，一条红格线毯裹在他的腰间，他长长的眼睫毛低垂着，小手捧着我刚给他买的一本大部头的书，津津有味地读着，画面大，色彩粗犷，但不失恬静美。第三副是小毛乐肥，敦敦告诉我，乐肥的这幅全身写真的立体效果超过他的大特写照片，晚上，把灯一关，整个一个小乐肥坐在画架上看着我们玩，在儿子的再三催促下，第四幅终于轮到画老公的肖像，正面的肖像难度很大，真费了大劲才把最令他骄傲的高直鼻子画出来，下颌很难画，一个中年男人所经历的情感历程和岁月的沧桑全集中在这一块，老公标志性的灰白头发衬着一件暗红色的T衫，配上他自认为很大的橄榄眼，知天命的心态和味道就出来了。不出我之所料，老公很嫉妒乐肥，觉得我把爱猫画得太逼真了，用他的原话说，那幅画是我用一腔爱猫之情喷出来的。幸亏敦敦的爷爷奶奶本着公正的态度，对老公的肖像给予了充分的肯定。

不管你愿不愿意承认，爱是排他的，爱也是有先后顺序的，一个人的爱心空间有限，空间被占据就是被占据了，一个人在特定的时间和空间里只能做一件事，从我画的油画这个侧面来看，我的爱显然分成了四份，有两份给了儿子，一份给了小猫，老公好彩，抓着了最后一份。

稍微仔细一想，老公应该偷着乐，因为儿子身上有一半是来自他的真传，如此加起来老公就已经占据了老婆爱心空间的一半，这样的比例很健康。不要指望老婆百分之百的爱，因为那样的爱太满，失去了理智的空间，不是痴的就是疯的。付出百分百的女人期待得到百分之二十的汇报，付出百分之五十的女人，情感丰富多彩，留足了生活的创造空间，重要的是她没指望得到很多回报，任何回报都令她满足，情感上满足的女人才可能教育出来高情商的儿子。从另一个角度说，在感情这个大公司里能拥有百分之五十的股份是绝对的超大股东，虽对公司拥有了相当的操控权，但也不是没有追加投资的余地。